Blue

I would say that my blue eyes are my most memorable feature.  I am not a confident person, but they are the one thing that I do like about myself.  Sometimes, I feel as if they are a thing of beauty trapped in a giant mess.  The mess that is my body, my life, the world in general.

Sometimes, usually when I wash my face at night, I look deep into my own eyes.  I try to see the little girl, full of hurt, that was guided by them.  I try to recall the happy times that they have seen, and erase the pain they have endured.  More than anything, I see that the real me is in there, just behind them, wishing so much to be out in the world. Those eyes quietly observe the people and motives that surround them.  Based on what they see, they protect the sensitive girl they hide. At times, it seems that they are beautiful to distract the viewer from the ugliness that they cover up.

They are a living breathing mood ring.  They are green when I am upset and grey when I don’t feel well.  But when life is good, and my body feels right, and there is hope, they are blue.  What I have noticed in the last few weeks, is that they really are blue every day.  I have been sick and tired, but my eyes tell me how deeply happy I am. Despite the pain, and the emotions, and the struggles, they continue to be blue.

My nightly routine of looking into my own eyes, trying to figure out who I am, has expanded to every moment of the day.  I no longer see myself for a few short seconds at the end of the day, but watch the woman I have become in every scenario.

I thought that I might be reaching the end of my therapeutic journey.  I thought that I might have explored all of my issues and would just have to learn to work around it all.  But, as someone very important to me has so eloquently stated, I simply finished writing the first book of my life, bound it, and am sitting down to write the next installment. My journey has changed course from learning to cope with what life has done to me, to finding out who I am and how I am affecting my own life.

I feel that I have lived so much life in the last few weeks.  But the way that I have lived that life has been different from anything I have ever done before.  I am no longer existing, hidden inside the walls of myself, trying to weather the punches.  I have changed my point of view. I am no longer staring out meekly from behind blue eyes, watching what comes towards me. I am now on the outside.  I am actively watching a strong woman live in all of her glory, and seeing the blue in those eyes for myself.  I am grateful for the wisdom to understand what is happening, understand my reactions, and make adjustments when I feel them necessary.  Most importantly, I am able to see when I do a good job, and can tell myself so.

I am determined to know who I am, what I like, what works, and what does not.  With all of the power within me, I want to accept all of those things un-apologetically.  I want to know “me” and be “me” no matter who or what crosses my path. I want to love myself with so much truth and confidence, that no one can shake my roots.

The color blue can exude many emotions.  It can be sad and cold.  Just the same, it can be peaceful and inviting. I think that the blueness of my eyes is changing every day.  I am no longer coldly protecting myself from the world that seeks to hurt me.  I am spreading the peace that I have found within and inviting new experiences to fill the voids.  In time, I will not love only my blue eyes, but the woman that I see when I look into them.