Replay

I like to intellectualize everything.  I like to plan.  I like to be in control. I am learning this still to be true when it comes to the highly emotional parts of life, despite my best efforts to just feel it all and let go.

I planned to have to stay married for at least a full year.  I went through the grieving process that comes with divorce.  I was able to pick out each step, albeit not in order, and sometimes more than one stage happening simultaneously.  I convinced myself that I had healed.  That even though every article about divorce says that you go through the cycle multiple times as you move through the break up, I had worked so hard that I only had to deal with it all once.

I was wrong.

Last week, circumstances on my end changed in a major way.  To summarize, we had planned to stay married on paper just so that I could keep medical insurance.  This is America and issues of medical insurance are a matter for a completely different type of blog.  It truly seemed to be best case scenario for me and all of my medical issues.

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend came into my life.  I am a huge believer in things happening for a reason.  I believe that the two short weeks that I spent reconnected with this friend were given to me for the sole purpose of pushing me over a hurdle that I would never have been able to clear on my own. One of our first conversations included me being asked how it felt to want to be divorced but still being stuck married.  I had never allowed myself to think about how it felt to me.  I realized that I felt trapped, controlled, and stunted in every area of my life.  I realized that I wanted freedom more than I had ever imagined.  Through this friend, I was able to take a larger step back from my connection to my husband.  Rather than continuing to feed into his ploys at controlling me, I was able to take the advice from someone who knew the me before abuse, and watch it all unravel.  I was able to disengage and literally watch the desperate ploys for control.  I was able to see the barrage of manipulation tactics for what they were.  I will forever be grateful for this friend, who came back into my life for just a moment, for holding my hand when it needed to be held.

In the time since I put my foot down, and ceased communication, things have no longer been friendly.  Communication is all business and all conducted through non-emotional emails.  This is the way things should be, and I have enjoyed no longer having him control any large part of my life.  I can look back and see that his contact with me served only as a reminder that he was in control of my thoughts and emotions.  I am glad to have stood on my own two feet, even if I did need someone to help me get my footing.

Last week, my company, after years of rumors, officially offered insurance coverage.  The minute the email flashed on my screen, I fell into a sobbing heap on my desk. I felt as if everything froze around me as it registered in my mind what this would mean.  I was overwhelmed to be able to tell everyone within ear shot that I AM FREE!  I welcomed the hugs, the congratulations, and the empathetic tears from friends who genuinely care for me. I no longer have to dread a full year of having to be in contact with this man.  A full year of him knowing that he still controls my life and has something to lord over me.  A full year of putting my life on hold, and feeling like someone holds my true happiness in his undeserving hands.

Now, almost as quickly as I reconnected with this friend, the communication faded away.  I love finding symbolic beauty in all of life’s occurrences, whether it be positive or negative. This friendship is beautifully symbolic to me.  The day that I found out about the insurance was the day that we began to drift apart.  I don’t know that it was intentional on either part, but I believe it was meant to be as such.  This friend was present while I needed it and gently faded back when I realized I could do it all alone.

This realization that I could handle my life for myself came in handy immediately.  Because, joy of joys, enter the grieving process once more.  The day after my celebration and triumph, I woke up to heart-wrenching sadness.  I spent most of my day trying to shake the montage of good memories with my husband from my head.  I tried hard to tell myself that I would find love again and that I would not be alone forever.  But the pain remained.  And this time it was exponentially deeper than I had ever experienced.

I began to panic. I started to intellectualize.  I talked to friends and family and tried to explain away this resurgence of emotions. I was met with a chorus of “this is normal,” “just let yourself feel it,” and “grieving doesn’t stop overnight.” Well shit.  I am not the lone superwoman who aced the divorce game in the first round.

I have realized that the fact that I can now see the end of the tunnel so very close, means that everything is becoming real.  While I did truly grieve the first time, it was only part of what needed to be done.  I knew that things would not be final for awhile, so no need to wallow just yet.  I have also taken a look at myself and realized that I would not have been able to handle such deep grief on my own a few months ago.  I have done more work, I have become stronger, and I have shown myself that I can stand on my own.  I know when to reach out for help and I am allowing myself to process things methodically. Another one of those beautifully perfect ways that life works itself out.

I get to push play on this instant replay of grieving.  But, this time, I get to tweak the game.  I can go deeper when I need to.  I can funnel the emotions constructively when its possible.  I can step back and see this process for what it really is. I can feel these emotions and still know that I will come out okay in the end. And the goal?  My happiness.  That’s all I have to worry about now.  Not insurance, not money, not obligations, or repercussions.  So, here’s to the replay. I’ve got this win in the bag.